Behind the Mask
by NERD GLEEK
Summary: What if Rachel isn't as strong as everyone thinks she is. Warning: contains self ham/suicide. May be triggering. Please Review!
1. Rachel's Pain

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of its characters; I don't own anything except my blog on Tumblr.**

**Some content may be triggering.**

**Please review!**

Rachel's POV

Here I am once again, dragging the blade across my wrist. I've been doing this for a couple months now. No one has noticed because no one cares, they all hate me.

I don't really know how I got here. I was destined for Broadway. I ignored the insults and the slushies that were constantly thrown at me. I thought one day I will be out of this hick town and they'll all regret there're cruelties towards me. I put on my show face and refused to let anyone see me cry.

But then the mask started to crack.

I fell apart with every insult and singing no longer helped me cope with things, so I found a new way to cope.

Cutting

I thought I could control it, but soon my life began to revolve around the next time I could cut, and I realized that I couldn't.

I push the blade deeper into my arm and soon have six bleeding gashes. The blood starts flowing down my arm, but it's not strong enough to give me the high that I crave.

I think about my dads. They started going on really long business trips when I was thirteen and one day they just didn't come back. I got a text from them saying that they had filled a bank account for me and would put more money in it every few weeks. The house was paid off they said that they were sorry but they just didn't want a kid anymore. I never replied. Now I'm sixteen and have gotten used to coming home every day to a cold, empty house.

13 cuts

Then I found Shelby and thought, maybe I can have a family again. But she didn't want me and replaced me with Quinn's baby.

18 cuts

The blood is dripping onto the floor now, still not enough.

The glee club was supposed to be my family, but they constantly put me down and told me how much better they would be without me. Mr. Schue never did anything to stop them. He didn't care either. I stopped showing up about a month ago. No one noticed.

21 cuts

My arm is covered in blood and I just got deeper.

The voices in my head urge me on, reminding me of everything I am.

Fat

Ugly

Worthless

Stupid

A loser

Talentless

The world would be better off without me.

24 cuts

It feels good, seeing the blood. I can't explain it but when you see the blood it just feels like everything that's wrong goes away and all you focus on is the blood.

I feel like I'm on cloud nine, but when I look in the mirror all I see is a broken girl with sad eyes that have no sparkle in them.

I lost my will to live.

27 cuts

I smile and switch to my other arm, going deeper than ever before.

The blood splatters on the white tile floor. Like rose petals on snow.

35 cuts

Soon it becomes a small puddle and I begin to sing softly to myself. The lullaby no one ever sang me.

_Hush little baby, you're almost dead_

_You don't have a pulse and your pillow is red_

I switch to my stomach

44 cuts

_Your family hates you; your friends let you bleed_

_Sleep tight with a knife, cause' that's all you need_

Tears roll down my face and my voice breaks as I realize that this is the end.

49 cuts

I continue to sing.

_Rockabye baby, broken and scarred_

_You didn't know life would be this hard_

Tremors begin to rock through me, my vision becomes blurry around the edge and I can no longer feel my hands and feet.

_Time to end the pain you hid so well_

54 cuts

_And now you'll come back baby_

62 cuts

_Back to hell_

I drift off with the last note whispering through the air.


	2. Saving You

**I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who read and reviewed, followed or favorited. Reviews are very welcome and I hope you enjoy this next chapter. By the way this is set in season one and and Jesse doesn't exist. **

***IMPORTANT* Those who have already read this chapter, I have been informed of a pretty big mistake in this chapter so I have fixed it, that is why this chapter is being updated yet again.**

**Sue's POV**

***Two Days Previous (two days before Rachel killed herself)***

I don't understand how I seem to be the only person at McKinley that has noticed a change in a certain brunette lately. Well not lately, for the last two months actually.

Not even the Glee club!

Rachel stopped showing up and Schuester doesn't even bat an eye at it.

I know that Rachel gets bullied but the only reason I let my cheerios be so harsh on her is because she has to get out of this town. Rachel is the only one at this school who has enough promise and drive to do that.

But lately something has been off with her. She stopped wearing those ugly animal sweaters and skirts and started wearing simple jeans and a sweatshirt. She has lost that spark that has always been so ever present in her eyes.

Something is very wrong with her and I need to figure out what it is, and I know just who to ask for help.

**Sue's POV**

***One Day Previous***

"Yes Coach?" I look up and see Q standing in my doorway.

"Sit down Q, we need to talk." I respond and she sits down immediately.

"I want to talk to you about Rachel." I start with. Her eyes widen and I see concern in them.

"What about her?" She asks.

"There is something wrong with the mini-Barbra."

"I noticed it too, she stopped coming to Glee and changed the way she dresses." She states and I see something flash through Q's eyes that I don't recognize. Was that adoration towards the little diva?

"I just need you to keep an eye on her for me and try and figure out what's wrong." As I say this I see Q's gaze suddenly harden and she glares at me.

"Wait, Coach why do you suddenly care about Rachel now? You let us torture her for years."

"I only did that so there would be nothing keeping her in this town. She needs to get out and do something big with her life."

I see Q's gaze soften

"I'll look out for her, Coach, I promise." She gets up to leave but I stop her.

"More than you already do?" I ask with a knowing smirk.

She turns around to face me.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." And with that she leaves.

**Sue's POV**

***Present Day***

This can't be happening.

Earlier today I was watching Berry when she was at her locker and as she reached in for a book, the sleeve of her sweatshirt slid down a little bit and I saw them.

Cuts. All up and down her forearm. They didn't look good.

I tried to catch her all day to try and talk to her but I never got the chance.

I am now sitting at my desk in my office. It's after school and all the kids and most of the teachers have already left for the day. I keep getting this nagging feeling that something bad is going to happen.

I finally look up Rachel's address on the school's computer and I text Q to meet me there ASAP.

When I get there, I only see Rachel's car in the driveway. Where the hell are her Dads?

I ring the doorbell and when I get no response I try to open the door and find it unlocked.

Rachel has a nice home but it doesn't look like a family lives here. There are brighter spots on the walls where it looks like there were pictures hanging at one point.

"Rachel?" I call out but get no response.

I go up the stairs and quickly find her room. There is no one in here but the door to the bathroom is cracked open and the light is on.

"Rachel?" I call out, but again I get no answer. So I open the door.

The sight that greets me is horrifying.

I see Rachel lying unconscious in a pool of her own blood. I instantly bend down to find a pulse. Her pulse id there but it's very weak. I grab a towel and try to put pressure on her wounds.

I quickly search my pockets for my phone. When I don't find it I realize that I left it in my office at the school.

While continuing to keep pressure on her wounds I try to rouse Rachel. After a little shaking she seems to come to.

Her eyelids flutter until they become half open and I can tell that she isn't fully conscious. She glances around, dazed for a moment.

"Blaine?" I barely hear her whisper out before she falls unconscious yet again.

Wait a minute. Who's Blaine?

I decide that I will find out later and as I begin to look around the room for any signs of an overdose I hear Q.

"Coach?" she yells from downstairs.

"Up here." I yell back

I continue to try and stop the blood flow when I hear a gasp behind me. And I look up to see Q with tears in her eyes.

"Call 911." I order her. When she doesn't respond I add a "now" with a very sharp tone. She nods and quickly leaves to call.

When she returns I throw a towel at her and tell her to put pressure on Rachel's right arm, I already have her stomach and her left arm. God how could this happen?

I hear a sniffle and look up to see Q with tears running down her face.

"I can't lose her." she says as she meets my gaze.

"You won't." I try to reassure her.

"How can you be so sure?" she asks and I just look back down at Rachel.

I hear sirens outside and I tell Q to go meet them and bring them up here.

Q soon returns with them and I step aside to let them do their jobs. I walk out of the bathroom and motion for Q to follow me.

**Quinn's POV**

I follow Coach back downstairs and she leads me to the couch in the Berry's living room.

I can't get that image of Rachel lying there unresponsive while Coach tries to save her out of my head.

I don't realize that Coach is even talking to me until I feel her arms around me and I just begin to sob hysterically.

We break apart when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I wipe my eyes and regain my composure when I see and EMT looking at me.

"I'm sorry but I need to ask you a few questions." She says

"OK." I somehow manage to mumble out.

"I need to know her name, age and how to contact her parents."

"Her name is Rachel Berry, she's sixteen and I don't know how to contact her parents"

The EMT nods and turns to Coach when she says that Rachel mentioned someone named Blaine. She shoots me a questioning glance but I just shrug my shoulder. I don't know anyone named Blaine. The EMT nods and continues to look at Coach.

"You found her, correct?"

"Yes" Coach answers softly

"Is this a suicide because we didn't find a note?"

"I honestly don't know, for the past couple months she hasn't been herself but neither of us have talked to her." Coach answers.

The EMT sighs. "I'm sorry you had to experience that and I want you to know that we are going to do our best to save her." She says while turning to look at me.

The three of us hear footsteps on the stairs. The other EMT's have Rachel on a stretcher and are rolling her out of the house.

I jump up to follow them but turn to Coach when I feel her hand on my shoulder.

"you shouldn't drive like this Q, I'll bring you to the hospital."

I just nod.

I can't focus for the entire ride there. It feels like someone has taken a hammer and shattered my heart.

**Aw, poor Quinn. Review of PM me with what you think is going to happen, what you want to happen or how you think Rachel knows Blaine. Well until next week, goodbye.**


	3. I Didn't Want to be Saved

**Please don't hurt me, I know this is very late but I think you guys will like it. Enjoy.**

**Quinn's POV**

I sigh, I have been here all last night, and I skipped school today and Rachel still has not woken up. Thankfully the doctors said that she would be fine physically. All she needs to do is keep an eye out for any signs of an infection.

I'm glad Rachel's going to be okay because I don't know what I would've done had she died. I'm pretty sure that I can't live without her. I glance over at her to see if there has been any sign of consciousness. There hasn't been any. She remains lying on her side with her beautiful brown eyes still hidden behind her eyelids. She has never looked more peaceful. Her face is still a little pale from all of the blood loss.

I am pulled out of my thoughts when I hear a groan beside me. I look up in time to see her eyes flutter open and she looks as me.

"Quinn?"

**Rachel's POV**

Ugh, my head is killing me and what is that annoying beeping sound? Wait that can only mean one thing, shit, I'm alive. I groan as I open my eyes. Why is it so damn bright in here?

When I look up I see….wait, no, not her.

"Quinn?" I ask

She looks at me and smiles. "Hey Rach, how are you feeling?" Only then do I actually realize the burning sensation that I feel in my arms and my stomach.

"Like crap." I say as I meet her eyes. Then I look at her, I mean really look at her. Her eyes are red and I can see the dried tear tracks on her cheeks. Wow, she looks awful. She also looks extremely sad and it's all my fault. I look down as a wave of guilt crashes over me.

I look up as I feel her pat my shoulder. "Hey, it's okay Rach, I'm fine now." She gives me a sad smile and all I want to do is to wrap my arms around her say that everything is going to be okay.

But I can't do that because, one, I'm hooked up to a bunch of wires right now and two, this is Quinn Fabray, the HBIC, the girl who has tortured me for years, and one of the reasons I'm even in this hospital bed right now. I just continue to look at her. Wow, her eyes are so beautiful.

I break my gaze at her when I hear a loud booming voice in the doorway.

"Streisand. You're finally awake." Coach Sylvester walks in and sits next to Quinn.

"Why are you here Coach Sylvester?" I ask.

I see her gaze soften. "I found you Rachel"

I'm suddenly filled with rage when I realize that she was the one who ruined my plan, well it wasn't really a plan, but still!

"Why did you come looking?" I snap back at her.

She sighs. "Because I realized something was wrong and I needed to fix it."

"You didn't _need_ to do anything"

"Rachel, she saved your life" I hear Quinn and I instantly turn to glare at her.

"I didn't want to be saved."

"Well you were and I don't give a fuck if that makes you pissed at the world but it makes me pretty damn happy"

"Well none of you actually care and I don't want you here, so leave" I shoot back at Quinn. She looks like she wants to argue but Ms. Sylvester stands up and motions for Quinn to leave. When she does Coach turns to me.

"She really does care about you and so do I." Coach leaves and I sigh as I'm left with my own thoughts.

**Quinn's POV**

After I leave Rachel's room I decide to head over to school to get any work that I missed today. I look at the time and see that Glee club has about an hour left I decide to catch the end of that as well.

As I walk into the choir room I hear a very bubbly voice exclaim, "Quinn, you're here!" I immediately recognize this as Brittany.

"Quinn, where have you been you're over an hour late!" Mr. Schue yells at me angrily.

"I'm sorry, I was at the hospital." I answer sadly, remembering what Rachel had said to me. I can't believe that she truly doesn't want to live. I'm brought out of my thoughts when I hear the glee club groaning.

I look up and see Mr. Schue looking at me expectantly. He says "So what do you think Quinn?"

"I'm sorry, I zoned out. What do I think about what?"

"I asked if we could sing for whoever you were visiting at the hospital, it might make them feel better." Was this guy serious? Doesn't he realize that singing doesn't solve all of life's problems?

I share an irritated look with Santana and turn back to Mr. Schue. "I don't think that would be very helpful Mr. Schue" Seriously if Rachel saw them she would most likely freak.

"Oh well that's too bad." I take my seat as Mr. Schue continues his lesson on whatever he is teaching about today. According to the board we are learning about Broadway.

I smile because Rachel would love this lesson if she were here. I've really missed her since she stopped coming to glee.

"Mr. Schue I've got this one covered. I'm going to be doing a one woman performance of the entire Dream Girls set. Thank god the midget isn't here to steal the spotlight" Mercedes says, she's such a bitch.

"Toyota, while I do agree with you, I'm just glad that I'm no longer visually assaulted by her ugly sweaters and skirts" Santana says, unknowingly adding fuel to the anger building inside me.

Then Finn feels he has to add his opinion. "I know, I tried to get her to dress better but she would just go all diva on me and then wouldn't let me touch her boobs. She is such a prude. I don't know why I ever dated her." And that's when I explode.

I jump out of my seat. "What the hell guys? Rachel has never done anything to you, yet you hate her so much."

"Quinn, you were just as awful to her, why are you defending her now? Why do you suddenly care now?" Santana says incredulously.

"Because she tried to kill herself after school yesterday, and you know who has been there for her since then? Coach and I, that's who. So don't ever say that I don't care about her unless you take a good look at yourself first!" I storm out of the room and down the hallway, but before I can get to my car I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around and see Kurt, Brittany, and Tina.

"Please let us apologize to Rachel, we feel awful." Brittany says quietly. I nod quickly and we all get into my car.

When we get to the hospital I tell them to sit in the waiting room while I talk to Rachel.

When I get to Rachel's room I notice that she looks a lot calmer now, I can also tell that she has been crying. She looks up at me, "Quinn…" she starts but I quickly stop her.

"No, I'm sorry; I should not have snapped or yelled at you earlier."

"It's okay Quinn, I forgive you."

"I'm also sorry because I stopped by glee club and I lost my temper and let it slip what happened to you." I expect anger but instead I just get a soft "it's okay, they would have found out sooner or later anyways"

I smile at her "speaking of glee, Brittany, Kurt and Tina are here and they want to talk to you." She gives me a small smile and a nod.

When I get back to the waiting room I see that the rest of the glee club has arrived. I see that they have also separated into two groups, Finn and Schue being one and the rest of the club being the other.

"Kurt, Brittany, Tina?" I ask softly, they get up and follow me to Rachel's room.

**Blaine's POV**

When I arrive at the hospital after finding out that Rachel had tried to kill herself I am a complete mess. Then when I ask to see her the nurse says no. She seriously just said no.

"I'm sorry sir but you are just going to have to wait." She says quickly.

Okay, I'm done being nice. "No, I want to see Rachel now!" I demand.

"Excuse me, but how do you know Rachel?" I hear someone ask behind me, I turn to see a pretty Latina girl.

"Rachel Berry?" I ask in case she is thinking of a different person.

"Yes" She answers.

I finally see the large group of teenagers who are all looking at me. There is a small pale boy who is quite cute. I turn back to the Latina.

"She's my sister."

**Quinn's POV**

When Tina, Kurt and Brittany leave after apologizing to Rachel, which she accepted, I decide I need to talk to her.

"Rachel we need to talk" I start with.

"Okay Quinn, let's talk" she responds.

"I can't lose you Rachel; I don't know what I would do without you. This whole ordeal has made me do a lot of thinking and I realized something."

"What's that Quinn?"

"I care about you Rachel. I would give my life for yours and protect you from everything and everyone. I can't lose you and I don't want to be friends." I see hurt flash through her eyes before she quickly masks it.

"I don't think I understand what you're saying Quinn." She says. I nod and take a deep breath before I continue.

"I love you Rachel"

**Ooh, cliffhanger, how do you think Rachel will react? And what do you think Rachel will think of Klaine? Please Review!**


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